Not quite extraordinary, still more than ordinary.

I really want to just turn my brain off for the night so I can quit fucking overthinking things and being paranoid.

I thought Breki was going to homecoming, but Jacob is apparently with Breki.

But Jacob doesn’t have clothes or a homecoming ticket, so he couldn’t have gotten into homecoming, and I don’t think he’d go without me.

So either Breki didn’t end up going, or Jacob’s not actually with him and he either lied to his Mom or his Mom lied to me.

I’m going with the former, because I know I’m bullshitting and over exaggerating everything right now and just freaking myself out. 

I wanna text Breki and ask if Jacob’s with him, but I don’t wanna bug them, and I don’t really wanna find out if he’s not because then I’ll freak the fuck out and wonder where he is. But I wanna make sure he is with him, and I don’t want him to be waiting for me to text him and it never happens. I’m so confused, my brain and my heart are tugging me in two different directions.

Stuff just isn’t lining up right now, and I don’t have any way of figuring out what is going on without taking a gamble between the decisions at hand.

So I think I’m just going to go do the laundry, take two more Sudafed, a Midol, and a big dose of much needed NyQuil and head to bed. I’ll put Faithfully on repeat like I do every night, bury my head in a pillow and my face in Jacob’s jacket and try desperately to be able to smell the scent of Jacob, and hope to God I can sleep.

I’m not even going to bother poking my nose into their business. One, because I don’t want to annoy them. Two, because I’m honestly afraid of what I’ll find out.

I know for sure he has band practice tomorrow morning, and then his Mom’s going to pick him up, so I’ll talk to him tomorrow after he gets home and we get done painting.

I’m 99% certain this is one big misunderstanding and that my whacked out hormones, sickness, and lack of sleep are making me have a total meltdown and that this is just nothing, but being the paranoid whiny girlfriend that I am, I’m gonna worry.

I’m just not used to not knowing what’s going on, and this whole situation makes me uneasy. But I’m going with a don’t ask, don’t tell basis here. I trust him more than I trust anyone, whether that’s a good or a bad thing I guess I may find out some day. But I have faith in him that if he fucks up, he’ll tell me or I’ll at least be able to figure it out and pull it out of him.

But this is nothing. I know it’s nothing. I just need some crazy shit to put in my head and mull over so I don’t die of boredom. I need to convince myself that nothing is going on, and that I have nothing to worry about. Because I’m going to  fucking batshit crazy if I don’t. 

Fuck. 

Goodnight tumblr. 

Posted 1 year ago

Goddammit.

I knew I didn’t want to text my Mom and let her know what was going on.

Because she calls me in the middle of me breaking down, and I can’t talk as it is because my throat’s all sore and full of mucus and shit, my nose is stuffed to hell and back, and my chest is all congested so I sound sorta chainsmoker-ish. Plus I was bawling, so that didn’t help.

But now, I’m being forced to get up and get around so I can go help them paint.

I can’t paint, I’m horrible at painting, I always fuck things up. ALWAYS.

We had this fantasy of Jacob helping teach me how to paint, you know, the cliche, standing behind me showing how me to paint thing. Yeah.

Well, I guess that’s not going to happen now. 

Fuck. I need to stop being so goddamn negative, and cussing so much but I can’t. I just am so fed up with everything right now that’s been building all week despite my good mood at the beginning of it. I’m sick of being told I can’t complain and I can’t rant out my feelings anymore because I go on and on forever. Maybe I don’t go on and on forever anymore, since I got out of my mega bout of depression, ever think about that? No, you just shut me up when I start complaining because you THINK I’m going to go on and on forever.

Well, when I finally do let it out, maybe I will because all I’m doing is causing myself unnecessary stress because you people aren’t letting me let my feelings out. |:

Fuck, I also just realized, I’m going to help them paint. I have a horrible sinus infection, I’m congested and stuffy and can’t breathe. And I’m going to paint.

The smell of paint + sinus infection = fucking WONDERFUL. 

Okay, well, I guess I’m going to stop ranting to nobody and go find some shitty clothes to put on because I know I’m gonna have paint all over me. I should probably take some more DayQuil, Sudafed, and couple Mildol while I’m at it so I don’t rip everybody’s face off at the new house.

sdifonaewofinewoaifnweoiawef.

Wish me luck, please. 

Posted 1 year ago

Wow, now I feel like I’m blaming him for getting sick and having shitty parents that never let our plans work out.

I love him to death, everything about him, more than life itself.

I need to get off this raging hormonal bitch high and stop blaming everything I don’t like on everybody else, because that’s how I push people away.

Posted 1 year ago

I can’t win. I just can’t fucking win.

I have plans, he needs plans.

I want plans, he has other people to hang out with.

I’m sick, he’s fine.

I’m battling the worst sinus infection I’ve had in a while, all week long just to see him on Saturday, and he gets sick and says we’re going to have to cancel and postpone. 

But next Friday we don’t have school and he’s got plans with all his friends that I barely know again, probably at his exes, again. 

I trust him to hell and back, and I know he’d never cheat on me or anything, but I just get uneasy about that whole situation.

Plus, I barely ever get to see him and he hangs out with his friends all the time in and out of school.

When we do get to spend time together, it’s so worth it. But this bullshit that happens in between the times we do reallly takes a toll on me.

I’m PMSing to the high heavens, I’m sick as hell, and I’ve gotten next to no sleep all week long. I’ve been stressed as shit and had so much on my plate, I can’t do this much longer. 

Posted 1 year ago

Whoooooooa, Nelly!

Honestly? Who the FUCK do you think you are? She was my best friend waaaaay before she even knew you existed, or liked you. She’s been abnormally nice lately and barely been bitchy at all. You’re just being a huge bitch to everyone and anyone because you’ve turned into such a cuntbag since you became besties with your pot-smoking buddy. Her Dad really DOESN’T like you, and I seriously don’t blame him!

I used to take your side in this whole Jeff/Tye thing but now I just don’t give a fuck anymore because nobody is who they used to be. Oh, and you can just shut the fuck up about her not inviting you to the horror convention. 1. You would have bitched to the high heavens all the way there and back about every little thing that could be construed badly. 2. Taylor’s Mom doesn’t like you. 3. WE’VE BEEN PLANNING THIS SINCE BEFORE TAYLOR EVER BECAME FRIENDS WITH YOU. 4. Horror movie obsessions are OUR thing, excuse us for not wanting to let YOU in on them. 

Oh, and Homecoming DOES NOT EQUAL Rattler Rage. Rattler Rage is a pep rally/school spirit based thing, to watch organized dancing and cheer shit, not actually dance. Taylor doesn’t like dresses, dancing, or dating. If you were really her friend and weren’t so goddamn conceited and selfish maybe you’d realize that and stop pushing her into going. That’s not a very good friend quality, y’know?

And about talking shit and talking about stuff she has no knowledge of, you might wanna look in the mirror dearie, because that makes you sound like a total hypocritical bitch. You’ve become a two-faced, backstabbing excuse for a friend and I hate to see her have to go through this.

She’s been playing the role of peace-keeper just because it’s easier to make you happy, because you start WAY too much shit for it to be even be worth it for her to stand up for herself.

And I’m a very quiet, reserved person when it comes to confrontations and shit like that; but if you keep this up I may have to defend her myself. Because that shit just IS NOT right. 

Gah, I did like you. But you’ve changed. As we all have. But you’ve changed for the worst, I don’t like who you’ve become. |:

Posted 1 year ago